spectacular, spectacular

sleep and dreams

2010-05-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

12:58 PM 5/20/2010

i will sleep with you in my dreams
thinking that everything will be alright.
thinking that everything will be fine.
in time.. in time..

the promise shall be if i pray
it will help me not to have bad dreams
i believe and shall live with it
for tomorrow is something that should be much awaited for.

tonight as i rest, i will keep that in my mind
for i shall sleep with you in my dreams...

tdeleon
5.20.2010

EIMI

2010-05-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

I am chemically-induced to feel happy/nothing about things

And it sucks because my brain tells me that I should be sad.

You know the difference of the brain and the Brain?

The serotonin and the dopamine?

'Cause IDK!! LOL

Well I do, but it's too long to differentiate them..
I just want to take life easy and breezy... That's all I want.:)

kasiyahan

2010-04-18T01:50:00.001-07:00

8:28 PM 11/24/2008

nakikita kaya nila ako?
naiisip kaya nila ako?

alam mo
masyadong maraming pinagkakaabalahan ang mga tao para maisip ka nila. kung tinitigilan mo ang kaka-AKO at simulang lumabas sa kwarto mo, malay mo, makita ka nila. malay mo "may sila" pala? di mo malalaman yan hangga't di ka lumalabas sa kwarto mo.

-kasiyahan sa labas
8:30 PM 11/24/2008
tdeleon08

a repost from 2008

2010-04-18T01:49:00.001-07:00

everyone's....what?

unique, just like everyone else.

therefore:

our finger prints our unique, just like our tongue prints. (yes tongue prints:P) and by licking a stamp, you lose 1/10 of a calorie. try licking as many stamps as you can and see if you lose weight:P

If everyone loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day, how many pounds of indestructible junk can our country produce?

more junk and tidbits of the not-so-unsual everyday life here on my site.

-tdeleon08

I want to know your darkest deepest secret

2010-03-13T04:08:00.000-08:00

strings

2010-03-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

6:16am
woke up with nine hours of sleep
what more can i ask?

puffy eyes, feeling down, what else?
i feel so tired upon wakng up
it is as if i climbed a mountain while i was asleep
but no, i didn't

i was suppose to rest
but the rest i wanted to achieve was sort of futile

i had so many dreams
dreams i can no longer remember in detail

but i remember
control freakness
anger
and rejection

the qualities and activities i fear
i hate
i dislike

i dont know when can i overcome all these
i want to be well
but i have to learn to let go of these fears

stupid and strange ideas come into my mind

but i know time will come

yes time will come

i am sorry for those who think i am okay now.
i am sorry for my disorder mislead you.
i hope that you will still stay
for even if i seem like letting go,
i am not.

i am not.

i try to hold on even to that single strand i have.

-tdeleon10.3.2

akala mo malaki ka na..akala mo bata ka pa...

2010-01-30T01:45:00.000-08:00

this is an old unfinished unpublished article i found.
i think this is worth publishing. for now.

i had plans and attempts to finish this, but i can't. i am hoping that later i would be able to write something like this. and finish it with a winning smile.

and

so it begins like this :

Marami na rin ang pinagdaanan natin.

Parang kailan lang na nakita ninyo ako na walang salawal.

Parang kailan lang na kalong ninyo ako.

Parang kailan lang na ako ay nasa munting tahanan sa Caridad.

(namiss ko un a.typing the word "Caridad")

Hindi biro malayo sa pamilya. Lalu na kapag maraming problema at hamon ang iyong hinaharap. Hindi biro ang malayo.

Pamilya. Isang konsepto na hindi ko naintindihan. O siguro hindi ko naramdaman o NIramdam.

May hang-ups ako sa buhay pamilya. Marami akong tanong. Pero ni minsan ba noon ay sinabi ko sa pamilya ko na, "kuntento na ako sanyo.masaya ako na kasama ko kayo"

Nakakatawa dahil kung kailan nawala at saka mo mararamdaman ang kanilang presensiya.

Lumaki ako sa hindi pangkaraniwang pamilya(at least sa lugar namin). Lola ko ang uma-attend ng PTA meetings, recognition at kung anu ano pa.. Ang lolo ko naman, siya ang Santa Claus ko, mapa-pasko man o hindi. Ang salitang nanay, tatay at kapatid ay medyo alien sa akin.

May pamilya ang nanay ko. Gayundin ang tatay ko. Ako lang ang bunga nila. Nag-iisa. Kaya pwede mo na ring sabihin na ako ay "nag-iisang anak". Ispeysiyal doter sabi nga ng nanay ko.

Di ko man naintindihan agad ang kabuuan ng kwento, sa pagdaan ng taon ay natutunan ko at naramdaman ko ang salitang PAMILYA.

Sabi ng nanay ko ng isilang ang una kong kapatid, "Dadi ang itawag mo sa kanya. Daddy siya ng kapatid mo e". Di na ako umangal.

Mahirap man lumaki na magkaiba kayo ng mata, ilong, bibig, tainga. Pati na rin ang apelyido, hindi ko gaano ito naramdaman dahil sa pag gabay ng aking Mama. Naniwala ako ng de Leon ako at anak ako ng lolo't lola ko. Pero may nanay ako at dalawng kapatid.

Weird no?

Dumaan ang hayskul at maraming pagsubok at bagong kaalaman ang pumasok sa kokote ko. Hindi biro ang may lolo na may sakit, ang pagdating ng lola ko sa tuhod. Kasabay pa nito ang acads, orgs at higit sa lahat, ang pagdadalaga.

Ang sungit ko nun. Ate Sunget ang tawag nila sa akin. Tanggap ko naman.

Akala ko non, matanda na ako. Dahil hayskul ako. Dahil marami na akong nabasa. Dahil ispesiyal ako. Dahil feeling ko matanda ako.Yun na yun.

Hindi nagtagal, nagkaron ako ng pinsan sa tita ko. akala ko kasi nun, ako na yung alaga nya. magkakapinsan pa pala ako. Hahah

Hayskul ko rin nalaman na may kapatid na ako sa Ama. Kala ko isa lang. Dalawa pala(or maybe three?harhar) Nalaman ko rin na may bago na akong pakikihalubihan. Ang nanay ng dalawang bago kong kapatid.

Masaya. Maraming bata. Maraming maaasar. Pero mailap ako sa tao. Ayoko lang. Ayoko lang.

Pagdating na isang dilis tulad ko sa Peyups, naloka at nawindang ako. Mukhang masaya. Mukhang madali.

Kasi malayo na ako sa pamilya.

i want to see

2010-01-19T19:14:00.000-08:00

"dapat daw sila ang tine-therapy"

i have always been an independent child.
maybe because of how i was brought up
but now this is the time i need to be very dependent
a time when i need them the most

most of the time it was an absentee ish
but now it is a psychological one

i should never feel sorrry for myself
neither for te things that happened to me

it was not entirely my fault
and to begin with, it was their irresponsibility to me.

i feel like an orphan.
then someone took care of me.
now i must fly for i am bird now
but how come my wings are short?

ive tried to go up buildings and jump
at firt, i feel like flying then i fall flat tp the ground
i've tried that many times
the euphoria keeps me up
but each downfall i experience
the more damage it causes.

i want to fly high and soar the seas
without the fears of getting a disease
i want to be a beautiful eagle
so that i aint looking any feeble.

i want to leave this palce

i want to be free

i want to be glee

i want to see

--ac1.15.10

Feeling Manic

2009-12-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

Song: Fireflies Owl City

"...That planet earth turns slowly"

I needed to play the song for me to calm down.

I wanna cry as I realize that I am turning MANIC again:(

Just the thought of it pierces my heart.

I am not like this before.
But what can I do, I can only deal with my today and not the past.

It pains me so much that I don't have anyone to confide this.
It pains me that this has to happen to someone like me.
How I wish I could just tear this page off from me.
But no! I can not.

Now, I only depend on you.
I depend on you.
Please, help me.
I dont know where to go now.

the face i cant forget

2009-12-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

There are some things which are meant to be forgiven and forgotten
There are some things that are meant to be remembered
Either way, they leave wounds
Wounds that heal
And wounds that leave scars

Life is a process, I have learned
A matter of moving on and letting go
Accepting, understanding and recognizing
Making ourselves aware of our surroundings.

I have always been an intrinsic person.
I think about things and how these things affect other things and people
I like reading people's minds
I like putting meaning into things
But one thing I learned:
Overassuming KILLS

Not that I overassumed lately
But I remember that once
We held hands together and it is as if the last,
My world stopped turning
And yet today, you are just among the special people I have met.

I am in the Life now.
I see to it that I am aware so that I may not forget who I am.
I am in the process of recognizing, understanding and accepting
Then maybe after these ups and downs, I may be able to say that,
Hey I have lived my life!

This Xmas, there is only one person I truly miss...

2009-12-24T05:10:00.000-08:00

it's been four years since you left us
for two years, the day was meaningless
but today, we rejoice
we understand

your loss should be our gain

I love you Papa!

I truly miss you

The Now and Today

2009-12-23T00:32:00.000-08:00

there are things which come to an end
we think it's forever but it's not
we think it's till tomorrow but it's only for today

they say, cherish every moment
live as if this is your first day on earth
be excited
be free
be the one you want to be

live as if this is your last day on earth
do everything with your best
aim for the gold

and if at the end of the day, you fail
stand up and face the world
after all, you can only get as close as you can to the ideals
in this mundane world called earth.

11:18 PM 2/23/2009
specs09

edited today

My Nurturer

2009-12-22T04:06:00.000-08:00

There's no other way to begin a blog by dedicating this to:

My Nurturer

You hold a responsibility
A responsibility to nurture the future
The future that to you is also bleak.
Bleak as it may seem, you still hold on it.

You never thought of it before.
You never knew what it will unfold.
You never felt it.
But you now experience it.

The joys and sorrows
The hopes and disappointments
The fears and excitements
All of those you've had.

Since I was a zygote
You never left me
You could have had me pulled from yourself
But as a fetus, you nurtured me

You sang songs, read books
You ate what you want me to taste
You dreamed what you want me to think
You told me things I never thought I'd hear.

As you hear my first cry
You rejoiced.
All the pain and sufferings
Seemed to go away

Away with the years, I grew
You heard my ABCs and 123s
You thought I will never skin my knees
But whenever I do, you kiss the pain away.

Each downfall I have had
Each disappointment I may have brought
Each stained uniform I go home on
You never failed to wash away all the dirt there is.

I have ignored you all these years
I know I broke your heart
I have been a drat and a rat
But you never left me.

I left the house for that chance
The chance to know about the responsibility
The responsibility I never thought I would have
And yes, I was reminded of yours.

Now, I hear you weep
Now, I somehow feel your pain
Now, I want to do something
But I know that it will happen sometime.

In this lifetime,
I may have never thanked you enough
Enough to cover every single second
You have dedicated to us.

Mother, this I promise
I may have never been a good daughter to you
But in this lifetime,
If I am given the chance to become a mother
I will nurture my child as if it was you
Not just to attempt to repay you
But to make my child feel that I was once a child to mother like you.

I will be selfless yet loving
I will be caring yet strict
I will be responsible yet fun-loving.
With these, I hope that my child will feel a mother
A mother that is driven in fulfilling her responsibility.

You may not see that time,
But I will never forget that once in upon a time,
I have met a mother in you.

--tdeleon09
3:10 PM 7/28/2009